Author: jenzug

I appreciate the comments and emails I have received regarding this post about a stressful situation that is happening offline, and I definitely appreciate your prayers. It has been a difficult couple of months, and most of the writing I have done on the issue has remained on my own hard drive simply because it is not my intent to use this web site as a means of gossip or complaining or ranting about anything or anyone other than myself.

Last week when Anne Lamott was in town I heard her speak on KUOW (thanks for the call on that one, Julie!), and she talked about the issue of her privacy. She said that she doesn’t write about the private things in her life, but only those things that she feels are universal, and to those she adds her own unique perspective.

I thought that was a great point – and in a sense I’m already practicing those boundaries. When I write about my difficulties as a mother, I try to make it about me and my own weaknesses. When I write about Bryan and the ten different ways he makes me want to activate my life insurance, I try to inject my own faults into the story.

I think this is one of the most specific benefits I find in writing an open journal online – it keeps me honest. If I want to complain about Bryan, I have to think really hard about how I am portraying myself – especially since I have a tendency to go into Victim mode – and I have to think really hard about whether I am still respecting him, even though I may be frustrated with him at the time.

So as I wrestled back and forth for weeks as to whether I would bring any of the Offline Issues That Shall Not Be Named up here, I landed on the side of caution and chose to keep it offline. However, when I read several posts in the aftermath of the Kathy Sierra incident – especially the two posts I quoted from Maryam and Robert – I realized that dealing with Trolls and figuring out how to respond to them is a fairly universal problem.

This prompted me to break my silence online and attempt to add my perspective to the conversation. I hope it was clear that I was writing to process through my own anger as it dangerously approaches bitterness; and I hope it was clear that I was not feeling very rational about my situation at the time of writing, and that I was fine with being in that place as long as I did not remain there; and I hope it was clear that bitterness is definitely NOT where I want to end up.

I also want emphasis that I will not discuss the details of any of this with anyone via email, comments, or in person. That’s just not what it is about. Anything I write on the subject will be about me, as a Believer in Christ, working out my faith ‘with fear and trembling,’ as the Good Book says.

So again, I want to thank you deeply from my heart for your concerns and your comments. If you are a person who prays, you can pray specifically for my heart to not enter into bitterness, you can pray for reconciliation, and you can pray for my continuing journey out of co-dependence as I learn to let go of things that are not my issue.

Thank you.

Did I say that already? I’m really thankful for you, so thank you.

Thanks.

Okay, bye now.

I was about to shut off the computer and turn in for the night when I decided to read ‘just one more’ blog post from my feed reader. It turned out to be this reflection on Jesus’ last supper before his crucifixion, which reportedly happened on Thursday night. Tonight.

I wonder when exactly did Jesus make the decision that his love of his Father and of all humanity was more important to him than what awaited him the next 24 hours? Was it while he broke the bread and gave it to his most trusted disciples as they argued about who would be the greatest? Was it in Gethsemane? Was this the ultimate struggle during the night of prayer while the disciples fell asleep?

At what point in our lives do we decide that we love Jesus more than our ________ (fill in the blank…children, spouse, parents, job, money, drugs, sex, shopping,) and start to demonstrate (act out!) that love?

All too often I breeze through the Easter season without pausing to reflect on what this means to me. I am a task person, and often get lost in the everyday Piles that life throws at me. Wednesday looks like Thursday, which looks like Friday – and before you know it, it’s Monday again and Easter felt like just another Sunday.

Only with more food.

I didn’t even think about today being the night of the Last Supper. And all I was thinking about regarding our Good Friday service tomorrow was when to fit dinner into the schedule.

So I am grateful that I stumbled across this reminder to slow down and reflect, and I hope that tomorrow – after preschool and vet appointments – I will step away from the computer and the kitchen and the laundry long enough to Remember and be thankful.

[Update: I originally posted this the evening of 4/3/07 but felt unsettled about the wording of certain sections, even after several re-writes. So I pulled the post late that night. After a night of sleep, some more prayer, and discussion with Bryan, I still stand by it. This morning I revised it a little more to round out the sharp corners, and reposted. And I believe this is how it will remain. So if you view this in a reader, I apologize for the multiple posts and encourage you to read this latest version.]

Lately I have been thinking a lot about anger and forgiveness and trust. How does one forgive someone who hasn’t expressed they’ve done something to hurt you? And if they do eventually ask your forgiveness, is it true forgiveness if you can not bring yourself to trust them again? Does forgiveness require trust? And what about anger? Even if one feels anger righteously, if the conflict is not resolved how long will it be before even the righteous anger turns to bitterness?

In the blog world we use terms like ‘flame wars’ and ‘trolls’ to describe the mean people and their words. I don’t know what to call what is happening to me offline, but since it feels like a flame war, that is what I will call it.

In the aftermath of Kathy Sierra’s post (which I wrote about here), there has been much said by people I respect – things that cause me to stop, think, and reflect on my own situation.

For instance, as I sat down to write and lament and cry some more, I noticed that my friend Maryam had written a beautiful essay about letting it go and moving on. Specifically, she says,

When you are punched, your immediate response is to want to punch back. If you are blinded by rage and hurt, you may not be directing your aim correctly. Most of what I’ve been going through and how I have been feeling last week after what I read about the anonymous attacks on me resonates with this point. In trying to deal with the hurt caused by those words, I was punching the wall over and over again. As a result, I was getting hurt, crying, screaming and feeling helpless. Well that was pretty useless.

Maryam’s husband, Robert, also posted his thoughts…

It’s very hard to not focus too much energy on attacks. In the past few weeks hundreds of people have come up to me at various events and said “I love your blog.” I don’t know that I can name more than a few of those people (I have business cards, though, heheh) but I can name tons of people who have said something nasty about me over the same time period. Something wrong when we give those who hate us more time and emotional energy than those who love us. Guilty as charged.

These statements were convicting to my soul, and they made me think about my own situation and how much power I am giving to people who personally attack me and my husband. They remind me, once again, that I can not control what other people think or say about me – I can only control how I respond.

So I have responded by finding comfort in God’s word, and these are some of the things he is saying to me through Paul’s letter to the Corinthians (using a paraphrase called, The Message):

It’s important to look at things from God’s point of view. I would rather not see you inflating or deflating reputations based on mere hearsay.

There are a lot of people around who can’t wait to tell you what you’ve done wrong, but there aren’t many fathers willing to take the time and effort to help you grow up.

Wouldn’t it be far better to just take it, to let yourselves be wronged and forget it? All you’re doing is providing fuel for more wrong, more injustice, bringing more hurt to the people of your own spiritual family.

We sometimes tend to think we know all we need to know to answer these kinds of questions – but sometimes our humble hearts can help us more than our proud minds.

But knowing isn’t everything. If it becomes everything, some people end up as know-it-alls who treat others as know-nothings. Real knowledge isn’t that insensitive.

We must be on guard so that we never get caught up in wanting our own way as they did.

I am getting the picture that when you meet together it brings out your worst side instead of your best! First, I get this report on your divisiveness, competing with and criticizing each other. I’m reluctant to believe it, but there it is. The best that can be said for it is that the testing process will bring truth in to the open and confirm it.

For no matter how significant you are, it is only because of what you are part of.

When we worship the right way, God doesn’t stir us up into confusion; he brings us into harmony.

Keep your eyes open, hold tight to your convictions, give it all you’ve got, be resolute, and love without stopping.

And finally, I love this from Paul’s letter to the Galatians:

Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not ‘mine,’ but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.

I am really struggling with wanting to punch back. I am really struggling with giving the hurtful things too much of my emotional energy. I am really struggling with forgiveness and trust. I want to believe the words of Paul, and I want to find comfort and conviction in them. I want to let go and let God fight the battle for me and bring about his own reconciliation, but at the moment I am too angry at the hurtful words being flung my direction – hurt to the point where even ‘I love you’ can only be heard as a smarmy platitude.

Sometimes I think I could fight a really good war of words, inflicting a lot of bloody casualties of my own. But in the end I know I will only end up getting hurt, crying, screaming, and feeling helpless. And that, as Maryam says, is pretty useless.

And to top it off, I was blown away when I read this on Kathy Sierra’s latest update:

When I was first bombarded by the media about this story, I refused to answer questions. Having no media experience, I found that when you don’t answer a reporter, they’ll tell your story without you, so I agreed to speak with a few. When I was asked for a short CNN interview, I said that I would do it only if they would let me invite Chris Locke as well. Needless to say, everyone including Chris was stunned to hear this.

But these stories should not be about me… I am simply one of a gazillion examples about what’s happening today both on and offline. Nor is it a simple Nice Vs. Bully story, and I thought having us come to an understanding would encourage others to stop fighting on either of our behalves and try to listen first, and then talk, and maybe something good and useful really will come of this.

Honestly, I cannot imagine sitting in the same room today with some who have hurt me. I cannot imagine having a rational conversation. I cannot imagine some still having eyeballs when I walk out of the room.

Harsh?

Of course – this is definitely NOT what Jesus would do.

Will I always feel this way? I hope to God I don’t. I hope that, like Kathy, I can spend hours on the phone or over a drink working this out and finding reconciliation. And even if joint reconciliation can’t be found, I hope I can forgive. I hope I can let go. But that will definitely be a God thing.

In the meantime I pray. I cry. I run miles on the elliptical. I take hot baths. And I write.

I know God loves me. I know Christ is in me. I know the Holy Spirit will convict me. Anyone not in concert with them can put a sock in it.