[I wrote this on Friday while I was ‘between websites.’ Although it was written on Friday, I wasn’t able to post it until 8/31/05]
I am in a bad head space today and it is not helping matters that my blog is in Internet Purgatory. It is not helping that Bryan is meeting with important people at work today so he is unavailable to hear my blubbering cries of desperation, though I am sure he is sorry to be missing out on that.
From the moment I opened my eyes this morning I felt anxious. I felt groggy. I felt irritable and angry.
I thought I just needed to wake up, so I drank three cups of coffee, but that didn’t seem to help.
I thought I just needed to look better, so I showered, shaved my armpits, styled my hair, and put on a SKIRT for cryin’ out loud. But that didn’t seem to help.
I thought maybe I was low blood sugar, so I ate some breakfast, but that didn’t seem to help.
I thought I was irritated by a frustrating meeting I had this morning, that maybe it dredged up past frustrations I had not let go of. But I’ve decided to disengage from that and I still don’t feel any better.
I took a nap.
I came downstairs to check my email, but I felt like crying, so I went back upstairs to finish taking a nap.
Then I felt restless because surely there was something better to be doing than taking a nap, but I just can’t possibly think what that would be.
I checked my blog again in case someone who knows what they are doing rescued it from Internet Purgatory, but it is still in limbo. I called Bryan again, but he is still not answering his phone.
So here I sit, staring at my computer, typing a desperate essay with very little humor and not a lot of thoughts about rainbows and puppies. I feel as if no one can hear me, that no one is listening. I will finish this essay, save it to my computer, and that will be it. No one else will read it, and no one else will know that these thoughts exist in my head.
I find that very disturbing, yet I can’t figure out why. There is something magical to me about posting my thoughts on the internet, even though I have at least three friends I could call right now who would come over immediately and let me have my depression relapse while soaking the sleeves of their shirts with my tears.
But that is not where I’m at today. Today I feel like crying out to the internet, but there is no one on the internet to hear me.