Posted in On Writing, Rage Against The Pile on Oct 17th, 2006 9 Comments »
I was hoping to be sitting at my local coffee and wine bar, sipping on a pinot and writing to my heart’s content. I have looked forward to this afternoon all week, and even now I notice that last Tuesday afternoon from the wine bar was the last time I posted. I have decided that, [...]
Posted in Depression, Getting Things Done, Rage Against The Pile, Until Death Do Us Part (and to the Death it will be) on Oct 10th, 2006 8 Comments »
I’ve had a very. bad. week. The Ya Ya Sisterhood movie comes to mind – the part where Sidda is young and her mom disappears for days on end, blacked out, and wakes up in a hotel room on the coast. This is how I felt yesterday. I felt like abandoning my children just to [...]
Posted in Books, Rage Against The Pile on Oct 5th, 2006 1 Comment »
“Ineffective as it is to shout, scream, and curse, it is a means of reclaiming the illusion of power in the face of feeling impotent.” (The Cry of the Soul). When it comes to non-fiction, I’m a chronic multi-reader. I juggle between several different books, and I often take long breaks from a book before [...]
Posted in Depression, Getting Things Done, Rage Against The Pile on Oct 3rd, 2006 9 Comments »
I’m tired. Exhausted, actually. Mentally, and physically tired. I have seven essays drafted on writing, things that I am processing as I push through the TALKING about writing so I may actually get to the business of DOING the writing. But my brain is so mushified that all I can bring myself to do at [...]
Posted in Blog Stuff, On Writing, Rage Against The Pile on Sep 21st, 2006 4 Comments »
Happy Birthday to Me Today I am 35 years old, and that is TOTALLY okay with me. At times my body feels old and decrepit, and I’m chubbier than I want to be, but I am doing exactly what I want to be doing. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, and a friend, [...]
Posted in Piling It On (and taking it off), Rage Against The Pile, Things on Aug 28th, 2006 3 Comments »
I’ve been attending a yoga class at the gym once or twice a week for the last month, and today is the first time that I felt strength and confidence through the process. I’m getting the hang of it. My shoulders are feeling stronger to hold my weight, my calves are limbering up as I [...]
Posted in Learning, Rage Against The Pile, Ruthie on Aug 8th, 2006 1 Comment »
Yesterday I saw my therapist and he TOTALLY validated me in my struggle with Ruthie. She is, officially, a Strong Willed Child (heretofore to be referred to as the SWC). She is the one people write books about, he says. She is the one I will often feel like giving away, he says. She is [...]
Posted in Rage Against The Pile, Ruthie on Jul 26th, 2006 3 Comments »
Well it’s been a really shitty morning, but as I’ve had part of the afternoon to myself to reflect back on what happened I feel pretty convicted that my stinky attitude was at the core of its shittiness. It kills me that my relationship with Ruthie is so bi-polar. At one moment I am totally [...]
Posted in Bryan, Learning, Rage Against The Pile, Until Death Do Us Part (and to the Death it will be) on Jul 13th, 2006 2 Comments »
Last night I experienced the really icky feeling of getting busted in the act. You see, I can be really honest with my friends about what I do, I can relay a story to Bryan from the day, I can even blab about my issues on the internet – but I am still in control [...]
Posted in Rage Against The Pile, Ruthie on Jul 12th, 2006 3 Comments »
Ruthie made her own peanut butter and jelly sandwich today, which was really fun to watch until it all went down hill very quickly. She was very proud, and I was very encouraging, until there was half an inch of peanut butter involved and she was about to slap on half a cup of jam. [...]
Posted in Rage Against The Pile, Ruthie on Jul 11th, 2006 3 Comments »
If this seems dumb to you as you read it, imagine how dumb I feel admitting it. I was tired and cranky this evening. I always pack the days too full when Bryan is gone, which I did today by cramming in a bunch of afternoon errands that I should have just left alone, especially [...]
Posted in Getting Things Done, Learning, Rage Against The Pile on Jul 10th, 2006 3 Comments »
I know I keep bringing this up, but I can’t say it enough: I’M FEELING GREAT! As I look back on the last year of blog posts and remember this, and this, and this, and how angry and depressed and incapacitated I was, I thank God for bringing me through it. We have come full [...]
Posted in Depression, Learning, Rage Against The Pile on Jun 11th, 2006 3 Comments »
This was an interesting week: I think I’ve experienced every emotion that is humanly possible, and I think I did it all with great zeal and exaggeration. Having transitioned from Zoloft to herbal supplements – which includes Omega 3, hydroxytriptophan, and a multi-vitamin rich in the B’s – I now have 13 pills I take [...]
Posted in Grieving, Rage Against The Pile, Things on Jun 10th, 2006 1 Comment »
It’s after 1am and I can’t sleep. I have too many pictures swirling in my mind. Too many worries. Aspartame in my diet soda. Hormones in my milk. The way my daughter’s face looks when she’s crying. The last sentence of a medical update letter my friend wrote: “We are nearing the beginning.” I feel [...]
Posted in Rage Against The Pile, Ruthie on Jun 7th, 2006 No Comments »
Apologizing to Ruthie after losing my temper: I’m sorry I yelled at you. It was wrong for mommy to yell at you like that. Ruthie (sweetly): you need to just hush, mommy. Yeah. You need to just talk, mommy. Yeah. And laugh. I need to laugh? (smirking) Yeah, you need to laugh.
Be warned: what you see here is not my best work. It is what Anne Lamott describes in Bird By Bird as a series of “shitty first drafts.” Blogging dragged me kicking and screaming out of creative constipation by getting me to actually write. So I do that. A lot. Without worrying about every word choice or comma placement.
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