If this seems dumb to you as you read it, imagine how dumb I feel admitting it.
I was tired and cranky this evening. I always pack the days too full when Bryan is gone, which I did today by cramming in a bunch of afternoon errands that I should have just left alone, especially since they involved trying on clothes. Which? Never goes well.
While eating dinner Ruthie kept scraping her fork against my plate, making a screeching fingernail-on-chalkboard kind of sound.
I asked her to stop, which she did.
Then she scraped again, quieter, while looking at me to see how I would respond.
I asked her to stop. Again. Which she did.
Then she TAPPED my plate with her fork while, again, looking for my reaction.
My new phrase for her is, â€œWhat you are doing is mean spirited,â€ because she can be a little shit to me and all her friends with her antagonizing. So I said this to her, adding that I didnâ€™t like the sound she was making, and I had already asked her to stop.
She then proceeded to stick her leg out and tap her foot on my knee, WHILE LOOKING FOR A FUCKING REACTION.
Which I, of course, gave her. In full color and form.
It was not my finest hour, but DAMN IT, she was pissing me off with the testing.
Iâ€™m realizing itâ€™s not so much the disobeying that I get frustrated by, because HELLO! Sheâ€™s three. Iâ€™m pretty sure sheâ€™s going to disobey. I become completely unglued when she antagonizes: when I tell her to not touch something and she brings her little hand within a centimeter of the thing sheâ€™s not supposed to touch and watches to see what Iâ€™ll do, when she touches the space ALL AROUND the thing sheâ€™s not supposed to touch and watches to see what Iâ€™ll do, when she slides her FOOT close to the thing sheâ€™s not supposed to touch and watches to see what Iâ€™ll doâ€¦
Are you getting the picture?
Why does that bug me so much?
Because A) I have a rage problem, which is essentially an issue of being a control-freak, and her being out of my control makes my chest tight and my jaw clench (my issue), and B) she is TECHNICALLY obeying me by not touching, but in her heart sheâ€™s giving me the big fuck you! finger, and that scares the shit out of me.
I donâ€™t want my cute, smart, funny, sweet, blondie growing up with a big fuck you! finger tattooed on her heart. I want her heart to be soft, and teachable, and receptive of discipline.
Has my own dysfunction made her mean spirited?
Am I blowing a normal thing out of proportion?
Granted, I acted like a child myself the way I handled her tonight. I played right into her hand. I admit it. But I feel so worn down by this issue at large, and when you add to that a tiring day I honestly didnâ€™t have the energy to be mature about it.
But it definitely has me stressed out.