I know I keep bringing this up, but I can’t say it enough: I’M FEELING GREAT!
We have come full circle, leaving the gate open for Ruthie again so she can get to the potty when she needs to. As before, she often visits our room in the middle of the night, or wakes up at 5:30a.m. for the day. But this has not caused the same response in me as it did a year ago, and I’m not even using the t.v. to get me through the day like I did back then.
I also pulled out my household binder for the first time in almost a year to access my packing list for camping. Flipping through it I found old project lists, seasonal maintenance lists, my garden journal, and my basic to-do lists – and I was actually inspired and energized by the idea of organization!
Bryan still makes passing comments about my dislike for organization – largely because of the chaos of the last year. I admit, I’m a great starter, but not a fabulous finisher. However, given the circumstances of the last year I will say in my own defense that I used most of my energy just to get the basic day to day shit done without completely raging on my children, leaving very few brain cells for accomplishing anything remotely grand.
Raging saps my energy.
NOT raging seems to sap even more of my energy.
But I am learning new habits and new coping methods. And I’m learning to avoid the rage triggers before my blood begins to boil. NOT raging is becoming the new norm for me, leaving energy for me to get back to the business of Getting Things Done and loving on my children.
I’ve been cleaning my house a couple times a week. My garden is weeded. (Mostly). I’m keeping up with the laundry. And I’ve been cooking real meals again. This morning I actually got up early to plan my week: when to run errands, what to cook, etc. I can’t remember the last time I thought about what to make for dinner before 4pm of that day.
I think what I’ve learned most during this recovery process is that life returns to normal in baby steps. I’ve had to let go of the idea that I could draw a line in the sand, set a deadline, or otherwise mark a launch date for getting my life back.
It started with vacuuming a couple times a week. When that felt easy I started picking up every night before I went to bed. And when that felt easy I tackled the piles of clutter around the house. And when those were all cleared away I saw how beautiful my house was and now I’m motivated to keep it clean so much more!
And now, once again, I’m ready to tackle the Project Lists.