way back home

For more than ten years this song always seems to find me in my darkest hour.

Whether I am depressed, wallowing, full of rage, or drenched in the stench of my own selfishness, the Truth in these words sets my heart straight.

And it’s not just the words themselves, but the way in which I get to shout them out at the back end of the song – a full body submission to the true Owner of my heart.

I did this tonight in my kitchen. On repeat.

I’m struggling in particular with my selfishness these days. Sometimes I think I’d like to spend my days walking alone, writing the great memoir, drinking tequila, and listening to really loud music. I’d spend my nights similarly, only maybe without the walking & a little more tequila.

The fantasy never includes disobeying children, hard conversations with husbands, and poop-eating dogs.

I hear a lot of messages out in the wild. I hear that I deserve to be happy, that I need to do what’s right for myself, that I’m in control of my own destiny. These are very tempting messages for me because I think I would make a very good brooding & reclusive writer if I put my mind to it.

I also possess just enough sass and mystery to drive the men wild.

But when I find myself in this dark place where it’s me & Lisbeth Salander against the world, I am shaken by the fact that I am not the center of the universe, that it’s not my destiny to do what’s right for myself, and that happiness doesn’t come from getting whatever I want.

On the contrary, I am called to worship Him – to set aside everything I ever thought I wanted for myself and trust that He knows me better than I know myself.

Jesus calls me to unclench my fisted heart. In turn he fills it with joy no matter what circumstance I find myself in.

And so tonight I sang in my kitchen. I turned it up to eleven and I yelled into the window as I did the dishes:

take the first of my thought
take the first of my time
take the throne of my heart
crush all other gods
you alone sit on the throne

Ruthie finally came in and burst my little worship bubble and yelled at me that she couldn’t hear her movie on the Hallmark channel (there’s many things wrong with that, believe me). So I stepped back into the real world and practiced living according to my re-set heart.

I pray I never give into my fantasy. I pray the lies of that false happiness are destroyed. And I praise God for songwriters who point me back to His Truth.

4 thoughts on “way back home”

  1. amen sister! it is so hard to listen to the world tell us how much we should do for ourselves, and then promptly turn away from that and do what the Lord calls us to. But what greater joys there are for us in that!

  2. Gosh, Jen, thanks so much for writing this. I suspect it was God’s hand at work that I read it today and not some other day when its meaning would have been less, hmm, pressing. Timely. Appropriate. 🙂 I’ve been sitting here grumping away wanting just a little bit of time for *me*!!! Me, me, me, me, me! And with two under two, I almost never get that time. Even today, I had to sing stupid songs in the shower because the baby wouldn’t stop crying in her bouncer for the whole 8 minutes. Ugh! 😛 But your post was a good reminder, and hopefully I’ll take your words to heart and stop being crabby with my husband and kids and the guests we’re about to have arrive on our doorstep. *sigh*

  3. Beth – thanks for commenting!

    It’s always intriguing to me how deep my hole gets in the moment – I can’t see ANYTHING rational when I’m in that state, and it’s SO UNPRODUCTIVE!

    The “solution” to a peaceful heart is always within our grasp, but I can be so blind to it sometimes.

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