I’m completing my third and final hour of writing at the wine bar, and I’m feeling quite frustrated by failed expectations. It seems that I feel inspired to write at any time of day or week OTHER THAN the time I have set aside to do such things. On Sunday morning I jumped out of the shower, wrapped in a towel, to write something down before I forgot. Yesterday I was on the Monotonous Machine of Monotony. Last night it was just before I settled in to snuggle with Bryan for the evening.
But now? I got nothin.
I can’t even go with something I started when I was ACTUALLY INSPIRED.
But I’m fine. Really, I am. Last night I went to bed as early as 10:30 – that’s how fine I am. And today I’ve spent two hours writing, though nothing will be published – and I’m fine. I remain disciplined, and make writing a priority within established boundaries. What has changed, is that I’m no longer obsessed with my blog stats, or worried about making sure people are coming back to read me, or that my book will get written.
I am happy. Content. Enjoying my husband, and sex, and being with my kids. Telling you about it just doesn’t seem Important to me right now, and I hope you are not offended by that. Being content with Being is an important aspect of my journey. Finding a way to be needed is hazardous to my health, and I think I have felt needed by you for a long time.
I tend to be a Swinger. And by that I mean that I swing the pendulum wide, from one side to the other, as I search for just the right spot to land in some aspect of my life. For awhile I wrote all the time, neglecting my children and responsibilities and getting way too little sleep. And now, I’ve swung wide the other way, neglecting my writing altogether. I know now that it will all come into balance, and I’m not worried about it. I will be present here again.
But the sun is out and my garden needs tending. Ruthie wants to help plant sunflowers and green beans, and my number one priority is to figure out how to not be a control freak in the process. These are days I want her to remember with fondness, but I am altogether grouchy and destructive. I need space to be nice. I need lots of time. I am realizing I have a low tolerance for being busy.
But exciting things are in the works at This Pile – a new look and such. A new era of Jen Zug is dawning, and I want my website to reflect this.
Life is good. I hope yours is, too.