WHAT THE @#$^%&*(#@ ???

How do you torture a recovering rage-er who is simultaneously addicted to and completely frustrated by technology? Who is obsessed with checking for emails that never come? Who relies on Instant Message technology to converse with her husband when he takes an airplane to work?

YOU MESS WITH HER INTERNET CONNECTION, THAT’S WHAT YOU DO!

Holy mother of Pete, I have been pulling my hair out all day. The internet, she toys with my mind, she is a fickle creature. One minute she beckons, and the next she pulls away.

Finally, now that it’s 9:30pm and I’m tired, I have internet. And the depressing thing is that after an entire day of not having internet I still only have, like, two emails in my in box. THAT’S popularity.

Oh, but here’s the clincher: now my phone isn’t working either. I can’t get a dial tone. The display says ‘line in use,’ but I checked all the phones and they’re all hung up. So either some Swiper is swiping my telephone connection, or there’s an axe murderer outside my house. Waiting patiently. Anticipating the thrill of me not being able to call 911. (Why do I even go there?)

And while we’re on the subject of perplexation, here’s another thing I don’t get: my friend came over tonight, and she drove probably half an hour to get here, was in my house for about two hours, then I would guess she drove about a half hour back home again, and while she was here she had two cups of coffee.

Yet I never once saw her use my bathroom.

And aside from this observation being a little creepy, all I want to know is how can I speak to my bladder to make her act this way? Between my lack of kegels and the bottles of water I drink all day, I’m a flowing river of urine. In fact, I can’t recall a single moment in my day when I’m not thinking about peeing, because I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE PEEING. And sometimes when I say to her, No! You shall not release your pee! I would like a moment of peace! She giggles and snorts back at me and I tinkle just a little bit. She punishes.