The other night I was sorting digital photos on our computer and I came across a bunch of â€œskinnyâ€ pictures of myself. Only, the Me I was jealous of was eight months pregnant with Ruthie. Isnâ€™t that crazy? That I would give anything to look as good as when I was pregnant?
After Ruthie was born I lost all but ten pounds of my pregnancy weight. But after Thomas? I lost nothing. I gained forty pounds and didnâ€™t lose anything. Not one. And I nursed, so donâ€™t tell me nursing does wonders for losing pregnancy weight.
It was difficult to look at those pictures knowing that, at the time, I was unhappy with my body. Just before I got pregnant with Ruthie I was losing weight â€“ about ten pounds before I had to stop dieting (due to pregnant puking and the urge to eat only oatmeal, peanut butter, tomato soup, and nachos).
I want to be content and not wish to be something else. Yet, I also want to feel good about myself, be active, and have energy. And sadly, the way I feel and look about myself now makes me not want to get pregnant again, and we had always been open to having lots of children.
Iâ€™ve been taking steps to lose weight. Not just for vanityâ€™s sake â€“ though I definitely want to look better â€“ but also because I want to be healthy again. Iâ€™m taking vitamins, exercising, and trying to get more sleep. I hope weaning off the Zoloft will also speed things up for me. But mostly, I need discipline. Iâ€™ve developed bad habits of snacking lots and eating late at night.
This post is mostly about lamenting. But also, I want to remember this. I want to be reminded and stay motivated. I want to see these pictures pop up every now and then as I surf through old posts.