Things That Make Me Feel Gross

The other night I was sorting digital photos on our computer and I came across a bunch of “skinny” pictures of myself. Only, the Me I was jealous of was eight months pregnant with Ruthie. Isn’t that crazy? That I would give anything to look as good as when I was pregnant?

After Ruthie was born I lost all but ten pounds of my pregnancy weight. But after Thomas? I lost nothing. I gained forty pounds and didn’t lose anything. Not one. And I nursed, so don’t tell me nursing does wonders for losing pregnancy weight.

It was difficult to look at those pictures knowing that, at the time, I was unhappy with my body. Just before I got pregnant with Ruthie I was losing weight – about ten pounds before I had to stop dieting (due to pregnant puking and the urge to eat only oatmeal, peanut butter, tomato soup, and nachos).

I want to be content and not wish to be something else. Yet, I also want to feel good about myself, be active, and have energy. And sadly, the way I feel and look about myself now makes me not want to get pregnant again, and we had always been open to having lots of children.

I’ve been taking steps to lose weight. Not just for vanity’s sake – though I definitely want to look better – but also because I want to be healthy again. I’m taking vitamins, exercising, and trying to get more sleep. I hope weaning off the Zoloft will also speed things up for me. But mostly, I need discipline. I’ve developed bad habits of snacking lots and eating late at night.

This post is mostly about lamenting. But also, I want to remember this. I want to be reminded and stay motivated. I want to see these pictures pop up every now and then as I surf through old posts.

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