I’ve been simply DYING for my writing afternoon all weekend, only to find complete writer’s block once I get here. I had several thoughts brewing, and now, of course, I can’t seem to grasp a coherent thought.
Must be the wine.
I guess I can start with this: I feel like I need to put blogging on the back burner for awhile. Okay, so, clean the screen of the coffee you just spewed out and let me clarify. I may annoy you with pictures and silly things throughout the week, but my thoughtful and time-consuming essays may be more infrequent.
As I think about the health of my mind and the stability of my family, I realize there are certain priorities I need to separate out. Stealing moments to write in the evening or during naps is not working out as I had hoped. It leaves me feeling tense, distracted, and undone. When I do this, I wake up tired and irritable, wondering who put these blasted children in my care.
I have realized lately that I was allowing two important things battle it out for number one priority.
Instead of trying to fit writing in to my parenting and household management responsibilities, I somehow shifted into trying to fit parenting and household duties into my writing time. My children and the laundry suffered, and I was prone to rage. Rather than letting these two priorities battle it out, I am going to choose: I choose my children, and I choose my home.
These are precious years when my children are young, and some day I will find myself in the corner of a closet, crying that I did not appreciate it more – unless I make a change. It bothers me that I so often find my children irritating to me, because they are amazing. I know I can enjoy them, because I did here, and here, and here, and so many other times that haven’t been documented.
I just completed two years of Recovery curriculum for co-dependent and rage tendencies, and I would be remiss if I did not make changes to my life that reflected my new-found habits. When I feel distracted, I rage. When I feel busy, I rage. When I feel interrupted, I rage. Therefore, I need to ‘close the lid’ on my laptop throughout the day and focus on what I’ve always felt called to do, which is be a stay-at-home mom to my children, a support to my husband and his career, and a household manager.
This may not be your thing, and I get it. But it’s my thing. And once again, I need to live like I believe it.
As for my writing, I will guard my Tuesday afternoons at the wine bar with the ferociousness of the fiercest wild cat. This is my time to create, and Bryan fully supports this time. He is amazing, and patient…and amazing.
Did I mention he was amazing?
Anyhow, another season may find me in a different place. When both my kids are in school full time it is highly possible I could bump my writing to a higher priority. But for now, I want to enjoy my children and take advantage of these years.
I need to trust God that he will not allow my mind to turn to mush. I need to trust him that my inspiration to write is not just a fickle thing, but will always be part of me. I need to trust him that Inspiration does not have a deadline.
I also have things to do in my garden.