Endings and Jump Starts

My Recovery Group is winding down. In fact, we are heading out on a little retreat this weekend and hope to wrap up the last portion of the curriculum. It’s been a looooong two and a half years with stalls and detours, but it has been a life-changing experience. I hope to write more on that in the future as time allows.

This has been a sluggish week. I have felt dark and irritable, tired and unmotivated. I look at the dishes, the laundry, the mess on my dining table, and I just. don’t. care. All I have wanted to do is lay in bed, which the kids and I actually did for most of Monday. I postponed get-togethers with friends. We didn’t go anywhere in the car until Wednesday, and even then we were back in our pajamas as soon as we returned.

I contemplated not going on this retreat. I contemplated having Bryan and the kids drive me out in the morning. But Thursday felt a little brighter in my head, so I became optimistic.

I don’t fully understand depression, or depressed states – when they happen because of hormonal imbalances and when they happen because of situations. I’ve felt a little out of whack since I recently started my cycle again after being pregnant and then having an IUD for so long. But I don’t really care to figure it out anymore or over analyze. I prefer to just ride this wave, make the best of it, and tread water until the blues pass.

I’m not afraid of it anymore, and I don’t feel overwhelmed. It just is. Like money. It’s not good or evil, but what you make of it. And I consider it a small victory that I have not thrown my children under the bus this week just because I’m feeling blue.

As I write, just a few hours before leaving for the weekend, all the laundry is done, the kitchen is clean, and the clutter is picked up. I survived the week and managed to put everything back together again within the last 24 hours.

Not bad, I say. Not bad.

2 thoughts on “Endings and Jump Starts”

  1. Reading this one, like many others, is very encouraging. I hope you have a great weekend! Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

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