Here is the Darkness that is my heart

Yesterday I said some very hurtful things to Bryan – very specific things that cut his heart out. Yet, I am so bitter right now that I can’t bring myself to say I didn’t mean it, because I think I did mean it.

My vision is very clouded right now. I am confused, and can’t see the difference between setting healthy boundaries for myself vs. spewing out spiteful threats.

What lies am I believing about myself? My situation? My perception of the way things are?

What are the Truths I’m standing up for? And is it my place to stand for them?

When is the time for grace and patience, and when is the time for Tough Love?

All I know is that I am so very tired of the way things are right now, and my filters were taking a coffee break, and I said some hurtful things in the heat of the moment.

I am surrounded by women who struggle in the same ways I do, with deep seeded bitterness that lashes out at loved ones. We strike hard at our lowest points of despair because we want to make our loved ones hurt as much as we do inside.

Misery loves company, I suppose.

Yet, as I listen to these women who struggle, and read the things they write about their struggle, I can’t help but notice I’m not feeling the same conviction they feel about their bitterness. I see women who are coming into the light, who struggle still, but see their healing as it washes over them.

But here I sit, looking at my situation, wallowing in my justification.

A friend recently wrote about an argument she had with her husband, saying, “So tonight, rather than holding out until I got an apology, I took his hand and chose to show him love and grace regardless of if he ever admitted his sin.”

How far and for how long am I to extend love and grace into a relationship?

I probably know the answer to that, but right now I am unwilling to acquiesce. Right now, for a little while, I am holding tight to my justification.

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