with resolve and trepidation

with resolve and trepidation

godismysourcecode-thumb.jpgTwo events collided this weekend, creating the perfect storm for knocking me on my arse. First, I purchased The Message Bible with a birthday gift certificate (thanks Carol!), and second, my friends started a revolution of exercise.

It’s difficult for one to remain lazy in this environment, when friends are running 5k’s and working out four days a week. I’m surrounded by them, these people who are getting their act together. Damn these friends for infiltrating my little bubble of avoidance! I am running out of excuses. I am coming to the end of myself.

This afternoon, as I read through my first verses in a new Bible, this is what struck me:

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Proverbs 3:5ish

As I read these familiar words in a new voice, I was suddenly struck by What It All Means – all this ‘recovery’ that I’ve been going on and on about, all this healing I’ve been seeking. Put quite simply, and in terms of my own struggle: worship Jesus and run away from cereal. I have been making poor choices based on what I feel like doing at the time, and it is not going well for me. I’ve been moving in the right direction – in a cycle of planning ahead and getting organized – but it is not enough. I’m leaving out one important ingredient.

Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go.

I have been ignoring God’s voice to do the right thing. Time has been squandered, money has been wasted, minutes have been shaved off my life – all because I want the comfort and control of being in charge. I have been listening to my own voice, making my own decisions, living as if I know it all.

I hear God telling me to eat that carrot, yet I grab that box of cereal. I hear God telling me to go to bed early, yet I continue on with my reading or writing until the wee hours of the morning. I hear God telling me to get up and start my day, yet I hit the snooze button again. I hear, but I do not listen.

He’s the one who will keep you on track.

I cannot do all things by willpower alone. I must listen to and trust in Jesus. Schedules, diets, menus, and the like are all good, but if I am looking to all of these to solve my problems, then I am trusting in the wrong things. Jesus is what will keep me on track, and so I must look to him. And as I do, check out what his promises are (I swear I am not making this up):

Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Proverbs 3:8

Exercising and eating right may be good for my body, but listening to God is good for my health. I really need to get past the laziness and the excuses and just admit that I am worshiping my time, my comfort, and my will more than I am worshiping God.

Tomorrow I will start my workout by 9am (which will actually be Today by the time you read this). I will have already eaten breakfast, donned my workout garb, and fed the kids. I was planning to go to the gym, but Thomas is hacking up a lung, so the Monotonous Machine of Monotony will have to do. I will shower immediately and not lolligag about, distracting myself with emails and feeds.

And I shall follow this routine for three days henceforth, hopefully returning to the gym by Thursday if Thomas is recovered.

I hope I don’t regret writing this post. I’m actually feeling quite vulnerable about it, like I’ve just been to confessional. Once you make a declaration and get it out there, any success or failure is quite obvious. I’m afraid I’m making another empty declaration, one that will leave you nodding with tight lips when you ask how the work-out routine is going and I’m filled with excuses about bickering children and over sleeping and not having enough time to do it all.

I hope I follow through, but I’m afraid I won’t.

And just so I don’t end on that note, I will leave you with this…

Start with God – the first step in learning is bowing down to God… (Proverbs 1:7).

One thought on “with resolve and trepidation

  1. This really resonates with me, Jen. I am struggling with these same things and I too often forget where my focus should be. I get so easily overwhelmed and have a hard time seeing the larger picture or what God is trying to work in me in the process. Thanks for the encouragement and a timely reminder.

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