During (self-inflicted) chaotic times I often wake up in the morning and will myself into getting my shit together. I declare, Today is the Day I Will Focus! I make lists, I have good intentions, I am motivated…
And then I get out of bed.
I’m like a cat distracted by a fly. I walk into the kitchen to empty the dishwasher, but instead end up doing three other things THAT ARE NOT EMPTYING THE DISHWASHER, just as an example. It’s worse when it comes to keeping the books because we do our bookkeeping with Quicken, which is on the computer, which is dangerously close to the Internet, which is the evil birth place of time-suckers, Twitter and Google Reader.
July flew past me, and I’m not sure I even noticed much of it. I missed opportunities to relax and be with friends, my kids missed out on fun activities, I wasn’t able to help people who needed me – all because I’ve been “busy.” I’ve missed living my life In Balance.
Last week I recalled the last time I wrote about this busyness, which led me to this great post by a friend on Frantic Busy vs. Smart Busy. In rereading her post, I realized this is how I’ve been living:
This kind of busy is the gal that is out of breath because she is running in circles, like a dog chasing its own tail. This busy gal is not ever getting time to rest or to enjoy those she loves or she does do those things and lets everything else fall apart around her. She isn’t really busy at all, she creates chaos by not managing/stewarding well, then has to urgently respond to the chaos- which can mask as busyness. Does she enjoy her life creating chaos? Maybe, frantic is fun? She is a busy gal, but she doesn’t seem to ever get it all done.
The other morning Bryan took a picture of my (not so) effective sign when he went into the bathroom to shower for work:
My focus found itself under a pile of used pull-ups and dirty underwear, forgotten. After Bryan and I laughed at the absurd irony of this crime scene, I felt the discouragement settle in: The failure. The ne’er-do-wells. The despair.
But all hope is not lost. The Lord is showing me my heart through this, and I’m being led through his grace into a new mindset. I see changes being made in my core that will result in new behaviors. I think lack of focus will always be my Achilles heel, but I don’t have to be mastered by it.
I can be the master over it.