This was the week I was to start back up at the gym. I even worked it into my calendar so I wouldnâ€™t be tempted to brush it off. But alas, my children both came down with congested, croup-y coughs last night making me unable to leave them in the gymâ€™s childcare room.
But despite that disappointment we are having a fantastic day. I have alternated between busy-work and playing with Ruthie, a routine I cooked up last week that has been a winner for both of us. Now I can set her in a chair with a pile of books while I clean the kitchen, because she knows that when I am done we will play dress-up. After playing for a bit I sit her at the table to color while I sweep and mop, then we have a snack together. And so on.
I feel amazing these days. The old, fun, Jennifer seems to have returned. I am full of energy, emotional clarity, motivation, and determination. We watch a lot less t.v. There are aspects of my temper I will never overcome simply because I am not perfect, but these days when I find myself on the edge of an explosion I can somehow communicate to Ruthie in the moment that she needs to shush and just give mommy a minute, at which point I walk away and take a few breaths.
But even these explosions are coming fewer and farther between as I seem to be irritated by less. It used to be when Ruthie asked for a Band-Aid for her imaginary scrapes I scolded her for even asking. I donâ€™t know why it bugged me so much, but I became ENRAGED at the mere INQUIRY of a Band-Aid. But just yesterday Ruthie and I were silly and put band-aids on all our fingers.
I canâ€™t explain this change. Maybe itâ€™s a God-thing, maybe the hormones shifted after weaning Thomas, maybe time has just settled and I am officially no longer Post Partum. Likely, it is all of the above. All I know is that I am now on a quest to get off this godforsaken medication that leaves me feeling like a ten year old girl â€“ totally in love with Bryan, completely in favor of snuggling and hanging out at the movies, but oh so uninterested in the Marital Dance.
Yesterday I started talking half pills of the Zoloft, which Bryan is in full support of. Heâ€™d definitely like to ditch the ten year old and get his wife back.
5 thoughts on “So much for fresh starts, but the week is not a total loss.”
I’m so glad to hear things are going well. I’m also excited to hear you feel ready to slow down your Zoloft. I know our situations are different but as someone who recently got myself off the ‘loft, let me warn you: it will probably take longer than you thought or would like and if you had any side-affects that went away after you had been using it for a while they will come back as you stop using it. But don’t let that stop you! I’m sure you can make it through to the other side and get all the zing back you’ve been missing. (Oh and by the way great idea for a daily routine, I just might steal it.)
Thanks Jen for sharing words that inspired me and gave such hope for a day to look different than it does right now. The band aid story is great, and because it’s such a great story…don’t ditch the 10 year old! Just lock her away when Bryan comes home, and take her back out when you need to find a way to get into your toddlers head. I am now in search of myself as a 10 year old! Thanks!
Good luck with cutting down the Zoloft. I ditched 30 mg of Aropax (Paxil in the US) over 10 days and it was hell on earth. But then that’s my own stupidity more than anything else.
Thanks, everyone, for the encouragement!
I’m with Ms. Youngren on this one. I thought it would take me a month to get off ye old zoloft, but instead took 8 months of meticulous pill shaving (hows that for making you feel like a junkie). The slower time was well worth it–the effects came back slowly, each one in turn, giving me time to remember my lofty new skills for dealing with rage, out-of-control-ness, crazy emotions, anxiety, and depression. And then as I learned to manage each one (with a lot of help from God), each felt like a new victory to be celebrated. And well, if nothing else, each victory gives you a justification for a nice little trip to old navy–and 8 months of shopping is better than 1! Good luck.