I swear, this is exactly how the conversation went.
Feb 12th, 2008 by jenzug
Ruthie: Look, Mom, I HAVE GUM?
Me: Uh, where did you get that?
Ruthie (shrugs shoulders): I don’t know.
Me: No really, where did you get that.
Ruthie: I don’t know!
Me: Ruthie, you need to tell me the truth.
Ruthie: Off the floor.
Me: OFF THE FLOOR? YOU PICKED USED GUM OFF THE FLOOR AND PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH??
Ruthie: No.
(Look of relief on my face).
Ruthie (with dramatic hand motions to illustrate): I picked the hair off it first.
Be warned: what you see here is not my best work. It is what Anne Lamott describes in Bird By Bird as a series of “shitty first drafts.” Blogging dragged me kicking and screaming out of creative constipation by getting me to actually write. So I do that. A lot. Without worrying about every word choice or comma placement.
Want to know more? Read my full 
she’s conscientious. You gotta give her that.
Oh my gosh!!! That’s too funny. Gross. But funny.