The Pile I’m Standing In

There are people in this world who go through life with very few regrets, and I’m not one of those people.

My inability to make a decision or figure out what to do next paralyzes me, and I find myself under the constant pressure of wondering whether I should be doing something different than what I’m doing at the moment.

It doesn’t matter whether the issue is big – should we visit my mom in the Midwest this summer or my in-laws in California? – or small – should we stay home and chill today or go for a hike? – I churn the options around in my gut, usually until a deadline forces me into a decision.

Often we end up doing nothing.

I feel like I regret everything. Even if it’s amazing and perfect and exactly what I needed, I still wonder if there’s something else I should have done.

Like today.

Today we stayed home and chilled, but I can’t stop wondering whether I’m squandering away the summer because we stayed home today. And then I remember Ruthie starts three weeks of day camp next week and won’t have a moment to relax, so I’m back to being content with my decision today. Until I’m back to wondering whether this is quality time with my daughter before she’s gone all day.

You see that wrinkle in my forehead between my eyes? That’s my frown wrinkle, though I prefer to think of it as my thinking wrinkle.

It sounds more justified.