Just checking in because I hate to see posts like this one sit at the top for too long, dragging everyone down. I actually pulled it together this afternoon: I had a good cry over a glass of wine, I had a good cry on the phone with a friend, then I rallied myself to dig out of the clutter that was suffocating my living room.
I recognized early on in my day that I was responding completely wrong to everything – not just in my actions, but in my heart. I’ve felt bitter, angry, and selfish this week – and I’m not even pms-ing. I knew this, yet the train had already left the station and I didn’t know how to turn it around.
When I explained all this to my friend on the phone, she stopped to pray for me right then and there. “Lord Jesus, please pull up the tracks of Jen’s day so her train derails.”
In that moment those words felt like the most powerful thing anyone’s ever said to me.
I find that I am still attempting to change my anger and control tendencies by asserting my own will against them. Just typing out that last sentence is laughable – controlling my control issues with more control. Ha! That’s funny.
So much more to write, but it’s after 11 and it’s good to end on a light note anyway.
Time and again I am amazed at her ability to forgive my ugliness, and then I remember Jesus’ words, “unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matt 18:3). We show each other grace, we lead each other to peace…..
I’ve been following you quite awhile now. I keep telling myself to stop lurking, but my appreciation of your writing keeps pulling my back. And this piece from your other blog calls me to respond…..it’s truth. And you express it beautifully.
Jennifer – Thanks for coming out of lurking, and for encouraging me in my writing. I heart comments!