I am remembering who I am.
Over the years since Iâ€™ve been married and had kids, Iâ€™ve listened to a lot of voices outside of myself as to how a wife and mother SHOULD run her household. Iâ€™ve tried schedules, Iâ€™ve tried lists, but for as long as I can remember â€“ even as a kid â€“ Iâ€™ve loved making schedules but hated following them.
Last week I realized I was driving myself insane by trying to follow someone elseâ€™s method â€“ whether it be Bryan, or the Flylady, or another mom, or a book, or whoever â€“ because I had completely ignored how I best Get Things Done.
Last week I had a burst of motivation and cleaned my kitchen. I cleared off my deck and made it look homey. I cleared off the dining room table and piano and cut flowers from my garden. I cleaned my room.
And my house looked beautiful.
And now that itâ€™s not still looking so beautiful (life happens, dishes get dirty), Iâ€™m totally okay with that because I know in a couple days Iâ€™ll get another burst of motivation to swoop through and clean it all up again.
AND Iâ€™M OKAY WITH THAT.
Iâ€™m so tired of the pressures of Monday as cleaning day, Tuesday as grocery day, Wednesday as friend day, etc. What if on grocery day my kids are cranky and Iâ€™m feeling on the edge of insanity? Would YOU want to run into me in public? What if cleaning day is sunny and beautiful and weâ€™d all rather play outside than dust the piano?
That schedule may work for some, and it may even be good for me during another season, but right now Iâ€™m feeling the need to embrace the Me that I know best, the one that can deal with a little bit of chaos, then swoop in and bring it all to order. And most importantly, I am embracing the Me who has an anger management problem, and acknowledges that rage comes when my carefully planned schedule gets hijacked. I am doing what I can to avoid the rage triggers until I am better at heading them off when they rise up.
And yes, Bryan, I can hear you talking to your computer about the fact that you live in this house, too, and what is she thinking? But I figure as long as you have clean clothes to wear and food to eat, and Iâ€™m not just sitting on my ass watching t.v. all day long, your needs will be met, too.
The point is, I took great joy in cleaning my house this week, and I felt refreshed by the task. I didnâ€™t trudge through it. I actually put the kids to bed and cranked up the music and sang at the top of my lungs as I cleaned the kitchen. And when I was done I sat down with a glass of wine and read a book, satisfied with my productivity.
And today? Today I am less motivated. Today I will maintain, and probably do a couple loads of laundry. But I know myself well enough to not expect a lot of myself when Iâ€™m feeling like this. I will be a more patient mother today if I donâ€™t constantly feel like somethingâ€™s not getting done. And I know from experience that I will likely get a second wind later on and end up painting trim in the new office. Thatâ€™s just how it goes.
I am remembering who I am, and it is bringing peace to my mind.