I have mixed feelings about writing this post. Part of me wants to wear the mask depicting our lovely weekend family getaway and avoid writing about the shitty attitude I have right now, because my shitty attitude doesn’t make me look very good. But it’s what’s on my mind so you, the Internet, get to walk through it with me.
We had a great week at the ocean. There were parts of it that were relaxing – the parts when both kids were out cold and I read an entire book. The rest of it was a bit overwhelming – mostly because Ruthie is continuing to test limits and blatantly disobey.
What upsets me most, though, is that out of all the fun stuff that happened – INCLUDING the friends that drove all the way down from Seattle FOR THE DAY – I’m fixating on all the frustrating battles with Ruthie, and on the one sentence Bryan spoke to me at breakfast this morning which hurt my feelings and caused us to drive four hours home in silence.
That one sentence sent me into a spiral of doubt during the whole drive home. All I could think about was the façade of happiness I must have been wearing the last few months, while all the while our disappointment with and mistrust of one another was only a few unguarded words away.
His comment stung because there were only two ways for me to interpret it: either he’s a complete ass and has NO CONCEPT of what I deal with all day, or he’s right and I completely SUCK at managing my home and caring for my children. Do you see my dilemma? Either way, one of us is lazy or clueless, and the other one is the lucky bastard who landed this prizewinning catch.
Not a whole lot of options for a win-win outcome.
Bryan apologized for what he said, in the I-meant-what-I-said-but-I’m-sorry-it-came-out-like-that sort of way, which I truly do appreciate in a I-get-that-you-love-me-in-your-own-way sort of way, but it wasn’t enough to stave off the dark hole of my emotional spiral.
I’m open to the possibility that I’m over-reacting to all of this in a very irrational way. I did, after all, finally wean off my medication, so Crazy Jen could be back. (I would be remiss in not revealing this sort of information as you weigh all the facts and take sides in your mind.) This very real possibility is the reason I did not pack my bags and move to Cape Cod the minute we returned to Seattle.
There’s that, plus the construction crew is returning tomorrow to trim out the new windows.