It’s Not My Fault I’m This Way… right?

“It is a terrible catastrophe when I am rejected, treated unfairly, and things aren’t as I would like them.”

Also known as The Victim Mindset, which I scored 9 out of a possible 10 on a ‘beliefs inventory’ questionnaire given by our marriage counselor, making me a champion of victims.

Yes, we are seeing a marriage counselor, and I am not ashamed to say so. Bryan and I have such vast ways of communicating, showing love, and receiving love, that some serious intervention was needed. I recommend it for everyone who struggles with communication in their marriage – it has been a lifesaver for us.

Back to me.

I think most people, when he or she seeks a mediator to bring clarity to a relationship, expects that mediator to straighten out the dolt he or she is married to. Why don’t we ever learn that this is rarely how the scenario plays out? For me, it was eye opening to learn how my tendency to blame all the circumstances in my arsenal for why I didn’t get X, Y, or Z done was making Bryan want to pull his hair out.

Not that his behavior is my fault, or that my behavior is his fault, but that we are both responsible for how we love each other. I’m trying to focus more on my own issues, rather than focus on how to change Bryan.

I was just talking to a friend this morning about how self-righteous we can be when our husbands get sick. When they puke, they get to skip work and lie in bed all day and have their chicken broth spoon fed to them by a loving and doting wife. When a stay at home mom gets the pukes we lay on the couch, half dead, ignoring our children as they watch movie after movie and eat potato chips for every meal, and they’re lucky if we don’t beat them out of sheer frustration in the process.

How does THAT happen? My inner victim begins to tell me that life is SO unfair, and why the hell don’t *I* get a day off when I’m puking???

I don’t have any answers, nor do I know how I’m supposed to respond (hence the counseling). I just know that I’m not supposed to act like a victim.

One of the scripture verses suggested to me in contemplating my victim mentality is Matthew 5:11 “Blessed are you when men cast insults at you, and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely, on account of Me (Christ).”

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t find this verse very helpful to my situation. For one thing, I’m not an ACTUAL victim (i.e. the receiver of insults or persecution), but largely a PERCEIVED victim (one that just doesn’t like to take responsibility). Secondly, it’s just not realistic that I would feel blessed in any victimizing situation, whether real or perceived. Sometimes the Bible just doesn’t make sense to me.

One thought on “It’s Not My Fault I’m This Way… right?”

  1. Hi Jen,

    Thank you for sharing these moments of your life. 🙂 You are a light that I get to look at and smile at. I too have these issues from time to time and we get through them. Keep your chin up and remember you are exactly who are suppose to be at this moment. The next one is totally up to you – if you choose to change it you will and maybe you’re not ready yet. Don’t be so rough on yourself!!! You are putting forth a lot of effort and that deserves much kudos!.

    Ponzi

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