For more than a week I’ve been a blithering mess of tears, a knotted fist of anger, an empty bucket of failure. During this time I drafted one or two essays describing just how far beneath the dust of the earth my worth is – the kind of stuff that prompts emails from strangers begging me to go back on anti-depressants.
But I refrained from posting these essays, feeling a hunch that my plunge was either due to processing through spiritual rebellion or my out of control premenstrual hormones.
And? I this morning I started my period (sorry, guys, for the lack of warning on that one). It’s always a relief to know you are not crazy, at least not THAT kind of crazy, or at least not as MUCH of crazy as you originally thought.
I’m on the pill now and it keeps my crazy in check. But I wonder sometimes if I’m missing out on the other extreme too. There must be some extreme elation or random joy that balances the crazy. Does the pill take that away too? Is it worth it to suffer through the crazy for theoretical fleeting moments of joy?
[Is it worth it to suffer through the crazy for theoretical fleeting moments of joy?]
Good question. I suppose it depends on the extent of The Crazy. I was on the pill for about a year (wait – are we talking about The Happy Pill or the No Baby Pill?) – anti-depressants, that is. I have yet to feel as bad as I did then for as long of a period as I did then. Now I think I’m better able to manage The Crazy. I think? ha!
just wanted to say Hi and let you know I think you are wonderful, and not just because I can tell by your posts that you feel crummy lately- I hope to see you in person again soon!